Mark Stringer Comedy

Comedy Calendar
This a record of my attempt to perform 50 open mic comedy gigs in 2019. I also want to write 180 jokes (3 jokes a minute? hey! that’s a one hour show). I want to laugh a lot - and who knows? Maybe make somebody else laugh as well.

Gig No. Fifty Something - Strange Brew Comedy - Wednesday 6th November 2019

OK, OK, I made it to fifty a while ago and then I stopped counting, and then I stopped gigging! But here’s me coming back to it after a little break.

Gig No. 49 - Riffin and the Griffin - Friday 19th July 2010

Oh man, I didn’t do 5 minutes! I went down well here. But sometimes this stuff feels like trying to juggle while surfing.

Gig No. 48 - Can’t Duch This - Battersea - Thursday 18th July 2019

I did some Yorkshire material. It was very rusty. But it made me think that maybe it’s worth resurrecting.

Gig No. 47 - Big Spoon Comedy - Vauxhall - Wednesday 17th July 2019

Gig No. 46 - Monty’s Bar - Tuesday 16th July 2019

Gig No. 45 - Monty’s Bar - 9th July 2019

It’s been interesting to listen to a good number of Richard Herring’s Leicester Square podcasts over past few weeks.

Some things that are obvious when you think about it are also easy to forget.

1. If you do this comedy lark, you might get really famous. Also some of the people that you do it with might get a lot more famous than you and you might go pretty much nowhere. That’s hard to take.

2. It might be interesting to talk about the stuff that you don’t like, and the stuff that you don’t like might annoy you a lot, but it’s not entertaining to anyone but you. There really is no value in going on about the stuff that you don’t like in public (this is a problem Richard Herring has). Talk about the stuff you like. Just ignore the stuff that you don’t like.

3. In theory we should be doing the comedy for the fun and the mucking about, but we always seem to be hanging around with people who are crazy, or who are not enjoying themselves.

4. Promoters are exploiting you. This is the case at bringer gigs, it’s the case at more professional gigs. It’s still the case when you’re on telly. One way of thinking about this is that if you’re on stage either you’re making money for yourself and someone else, or someone is losing money.

You are a comodity. And making sure that you get the best deal that you possibly can out of their exploitation is extremely difficult, well, I find it extremely difficult. One of the problems that Richard Herring seems to have had is that he’s stayed with the same management company - and I think that might be why he doesn’t get on panel shows, etc. In one episode of the podcast Stuart Lee, his former partner who’s now a lot more successful, mocks him for taking shows to Edinburgh that don’t make money.

Do you know I wish I’d know this about work in general when I was much younger. It might have explained a lot of the miserable feelings that I had about work. Of course you feel miserable about it, you’re giving far more than you’re getting. You’re being expoited. And when you try to do anything about it all you get is a stream of utter bullshit about hard work being its own reward.

1. In theory we’re doing this for the pure joy of making people laugh. But there are quite a lot of people on the open mic circuit who are doing it for some other reason. A massive, massive number of them want to use it to talk about their sexuality (weirdest example of this I’ve seen so far is a middle aged woman who was making - ha! - “jokes” about how she likes to tie up little boys). A massive, massive number of people want to talk about their racial heritage or their mixed race.

I have no problem with almost all of this as subject matter. Actually, there are a couple of things that I straight-forwardly don’t find funny. I don’t find jokes about having sex with kids funny, on the whole. No that’s not true. I don’t find jokes about having sex with kids funny, if the person who’s telling the joke is clearly getting off on the idea of having sex with kids. I don’t mind jokes about violence to women - I can’t think what a funny one would sound like, but if it involved a bazooka and Anne Widdicombe - it would probably be funny. But again, almost all the jokes that you hear that involve violence to women are being told by a guy who is clearly getting off on the idea of hitting a women.

And here’s where it gets even weirder. Sometimes, the person who’s telling the joke about hitting women is dressed as a woman (true story). Sometimes the guy telling “kicking down” jokes about homeless people is from a group who are also often the butt of jokes (I’m thinking here about a particular comedian who starts his set by proclaiming that he’s autistic).

Deep breath

Why am I telling you all of this?

All of this is preamble to telling you that I am snowflaking badly after a gig on Tuesday. And today is Friday and I’m still smarting. What happened? I did the gig at Monty’s and I did a bit about reading a book about oral sex. In it I talk about the slightly weird suggestion that you should put your top teeth on the clitoris and hum.

I’ve got to admit that the compere wasn’t very complimentary after my set, somehow, talking about oral sex that night didn’t seem to sit right with people. He made a crack about me being a very sex man (i.e. I’m really not). And I know I’m very touchy about that.

Then a female comedian came on and talked directly to me in the audience and said something like “you should never bit a women’s clitoris.” And I found that really upsetting. Because I feel that it puts me in the same category as the guys who do jokes about violence against women. And I never said that. Then she did a lot of jokes about what “White men” like (Winston Churchill apparently). But all the way through she was very angry.

But do you know what I think this was? And do you know what I think this shows? It shows something that’s really obvious from watching a lot of stand-up. That the impetus to get up there is some kind of trauma - not for everybody but for a lot of people. I don’t really talk about my parents in my set and I know that talking about mummy issues just doesn’t get laughs, so the only joke that I would do about that - “When you’re at the automated checkout at Marks and Spencers buying your craft beer and the checkout lady says ‘Approval needed’” Is it OK to should that’s because Daddy didn’t love me!!! .

But you can tell that a lot of comedians are up there because of something to do with their dad - because that’s what they talk about. Or because of something to do with their race - there are a lot of mixed-race comedians. Or because of some sexual yearning - that’s me.

Gig No. 44 - South Kensington Comedy - The Hoop and Toy

Sunday 7th July 2019

I don’t know any more. I should listen back to the tape. I thought I had a “tight five” and I got nowhere with it tonight. The wall/ledge joke works though!

Gig No. 43 - Can’t Duch this - The Dutchess Bell, Batersea

Friday 6th July 2019

Almost entirely new maerial. It didn’t even occur to me to record it.

I thought some of the jokes went really well (especially the first one).

I’ve got another git tonight, which is not a bringer and I’m wondering if I should hothouse the five minutes that I did on Friday or I should go back to one of the “tight” fives.

Gig No. 42 - Can’t Duch This - The Dutchess Belle, Battersea

Well, I think that the hothousing went very well indeed. And what happened is that I slowed things down. And listening back to the tape, I’m wondering if towards the end of the five I could slow things down even more.

What it makes me want to do is do more hothousing. But also, it makes me think that I need to do more writing because now I have a “system” for taking new material to fruition.

1. Write something
2. Try it out in front of an audience at an obvious new material night
3. Hot house it.
4. Repeat steps 2. and 3. until offered O2 one man show.

Gig No. 41 - As Seen On TV - Zebranos Soho

Monday 10th June 2019

Listening back to this it didn’t go as well as I though it did. When I first did this oral sex stuff it had a cheekiness to it that it seems to have lost. Part of that is that I think I need some interaction with the audience to start with.

Ah well. The thing about doing something more than just a few times and getting beyond the “Dog walking upright on it’s hind legs - wow look what he’s doing! - stage” is that there are plateaux. And do you know what, with just about everything in my life, when I’ve got to the plateau, I’ve lost interest.

But sitting in Monty’s bar one night earlier this week (they do all blur into one), it was a night when I was just a bringer. I was thinking. I want to be good at this.

I haven’t really cared too much about being good at anything else. But this. I’d quite like to be good at this. And I know that I’m not that good. And I would really like to be better.

Joke no. 64

We all come from a shit hole. Well, near a shit hole. We all come from a vagina.

What would Freud say about that joke? Well, if the most profound question of your whole career was “What do women want?” I think we can safely guess that the answer was “Not you Ziggy.”

Gig No. 40 - Rising Star - King and Queen Fitzrovia

Sunday 9th June 2019

Listening back to this I think it went a lot better than I thought it did. Also, I need to have confidence in the jokes at the end. Also, my friend Stephen Portlock has taught me that if you’re going to do something (like audience participation) you should totally go for it (at least that’s what Logan Murray told him). And I don’t think I’m doing that. And I think I should.

Joke no. 63

Weak joke hospital

Have you ever seen a job description for a blow job?

Gig No. 39

Thursday 6th June

Can’t Duch This, The Duchess Bell, Battersea

I liked this one. I went on first - which is getting to be a bit of a habit. But it went very well.

I’ve now got, I would say 10 minutes of “strong” material. As I near 40 gigs. Feeling positive.

Gig No. 38

Thursday 30th May

Bignose Comedy, the Boogaloo Highgate

What a riotous evening. Like David’s style of compereing a lot.

Joke No. 62

I really love the wall in my garden. See it goes up vertically for about 6 feet then it goes horizontally for about 6 inches. Then it goes up vertically for another couple of feet. What a ledge!

Gig No. 37 Comedy Virgins, The Cavendish Arms, Stockwell

Sunday 26th May 2019

I’m still on this “tight five” stuff. So it doesn’t help that here, I think I went on to about six minutes. Again. I’m starting off well, but then it’s tailing off quite badly.

What I think I need to do about this is to practice, not in front of an audience, but it front of a mirror and a video camera and a microphone.

Gig No. 36 Agile Stand-up

Thursday 23rd May 2019

This was a bit different because it wasn’t a stand-up gig. It was an Agile gig (that’s my day job) - but using an open mic format. I was the compere, and it’s the first time I’ve ever compered a gig.

Some things that I realised:

• You need material. Especially you need something that you can go into if there’s a delay setting up or soemthing like that.
• You need to warm the audience up, even if it’s not a comedy gig. But what you need to do is something simple, so they don’t have to think.
• I would absolutely love to do the Agile stand-up thing again, and I would absolutely love to compere a real gig.

Gig No. 35 Strange Brew, Little Faith Brewery, Deptford

Wednesday 22nd May 2019

I like this gig and this week it went well. Having taken Lewis Schaffer’s comments to heart, I have, for the moment, given up on the “bonobo” material and gone back to trying the “tight five”. Of course, the problem with the “tight five” is that it’s really only a tight three and a half.

Joke No. 62

I can’t talk about football. It’s like not being able to speak bloke. When I get in a black cab, to be honest, I’d rather the taxi driver talks about racism rather than about football. At least then I can have an opinion.

Gig No. 34

Sunday May 20th

The King’s Head, London Bridge

What a wild night with Lewis Shaffer - I wasn’t very funny again. It’s a good night for finding out that what you’re doing isn’t funny because the best comedian of the evening gets given a prize at the end of the evening and I was nowhere near.

Lewis goes on a bit about his dietary theories, but apart from that, it’s a very good night. I got again, again, for the night, even if I didn’t get it for my comedy (needs work).

Also - Ayn Rand? Pronounced “INE” Rand. Like in “fine”, or “mine.”

And Jim Carrey got into anti-vaxxing because of his girlfriend.

Gig No. 33

Sunday May 19th

Rising Stars - King and Queen, Fitzrovia

I’m doing this idea I have for a new bit. I’d say it’s more of a one-man-show bit than a five-minute open spot bit.

It’s about men and women’s different reactions to porn. I think there are some jokes in there, but it’s very different to other stuff that I’ve been doing.

Joke No. 61

I find incest porn really [pause] uninspiring.

Jesus guys - aren’t your christmases awkward enough?

Joke No. 60

A naked egg (recently separated) walks into a bar and the barman says - “Is this some kind of yoke”?

Gig No. 32

Sunday May 12th

Rising Stars - King and Queen, Fitzrovia

I didn’t record this one. It was trying something different - telling a story and a joke about the devil. I was slightly spooked by listening to a gig of myself from seven/eight years ago that, if I’m being truthful, sounded better than I do now. Yes, that’s right, I’m in a bit of a dip when it comes to comedy.

But maybe the main lesson from listening to that clip is, if I was that good then, imagine how good I would be today if I’d kept on going rather than giving up for no specific reason. I’m only 18 gigs away from my stated goal of 50 gigs for the year. But clearly the only way to get really good at this is to do more than that.

I feel becalmed. I know this is a plateau.

I did have a thought though, that because I normally don’t work Fridays, maybe it would be a good idea to try to cram as many gigs as possible into the weekends. Thursday night, Friday Night, Saturday afternoon (and evening) Saturday afternoon (and evening).

This is what I often end up resolving to do when I’m struggling with something - try really, really, hard.

I’m wondering what the alternative is, there’s idea that I came across in business called the “Fifteen percent solution”.

Which is what can you do if you try just a bit harder rather than a lot harder. I’m thinking that the fifteen percent solution involves talking out loud to your self.

1) Write something down that you think is funny (scratch that, you could get stuck on that)

SCRATCH THAT

1) If you can’t do that. Just write down some words.

2) Say those words, either the joke, or the words TEN times

3) Vary those words

4) Move, do actions. Shout scream.

Write down any glimmer of a joke.

Now that you’re feeling a little looser, try some actual material.

I just tried this and it made me feel very good. It taught me a lesson. Don’t mope. Don’t resolve to TRY hard. Just do a little bit of something.

Joke No. 59

[Elephant in the room] I used to do that bit because I used to be genuinely confused about what you find in the gents sometimes. Then I took a course of wide spectrum antibiotics. I must admit, I have fled the scene of some of the things that I’ve done while taking those fuckers.

They’re building a super sewer from the centre of london, it runs 20 miles to the sewage works in Beckton in East London. Some people who are saying why do we need a super sewer that doubles the capacity of London’s sewerage system? Why? Because three people in central London are taking wide spectrum anti-biotics, that’s why.

Wide spectrum anti biotic turd - or WiSABIT versus fatberg. You do NOT want to see that movie. Turdzilla versus the blob.

Joke No. 58

When you find a lump on your balls - that’s an unexpected item in shagging area.

Weak joke hospital

Unexpected item in gagging area (something to do with oral sex). Unexpected item in nagging area (something to do with wife).

Friday 3rd May - Comedy Be East, the Beehive Bow

Gig No. 31

My material was OK, but what was interesting about this evening was that there were several other comedians who were clearly just a bit further on in their comedy journey doing 10 minute spots at the beginning of the night before they went on to bigger and better things elsewhere (in the evening? in their careers?).

It’s made me feel that I need to do the equivalent of bring the motorbike into the kitchen and take it apart. All the bits need to go on the floor.

The other thing that I can do that I haven’t been doing is hothouse, hothouse, hothouse (this is my fancy term for practicing).

Wednesday 1st May - Heavenly Comedy, Princess Victoria, Stoke Newington

Gig No. 30

I had 10 minutes because I’d arranged a bringer, so things were all set up to do new material, but then I didn’t initially, I don’t know why. Then I got round to the new material, but it didn’t mesh with the stuff that I’d done before. I’ve had this experience before. It feels like if you’re doing polished stuff and new material you’re using slightly different bits of your brain.

There was a lot of nerdiness (a massively over-long bit about films with stamp collecting enthusiasm thrown in). And quite a lot of daddy-didn’t-love-me last night. But in and amongst it was some quite interesting stuff.

There was a guy who was a tree surgeon who lead with a bunch of not funny DDLM but then turned out to be a really good story teller (with an amazing story about bashing dodgems with a terminally ill kid).

Tuesday 30th April - Comedy 42, Fanny’s Bar Stoke Newington

Gig No. 29

I did some totally new material and it went down very well. What I was particularly proud of was an ad lib with someone in the audience. It wasn’t a big thing, but I’m really proud of it.

When it works at Fanny’s bar, it’s a very good feeling. I’m a big fan of Vittorio Angelone, the promoter and compere.

Sunday 28th April

Gig No. 28 - Rising Stars, King and Queen, Fitzrovia

What a much better gig. A much better gig than at Funny Feckers, quite simply because there were some people in the audience who seemed to get me! But also such a contrast with last week, where I was really just struggling to get the words out of my mouth. It’s the same material, but now it feels like it’s turning into something.

Thursday 25th April

Gig No. 27 - Funny Feckers, the Constitution Camden

This gig was complicated by my “Bringers” being my wife, my brother-in-law, my 13-year-old nephew and his friend. And totally unexpectedly an old friend of mine turned up as well (this is why it’s good to give notice in advance on social media). I had totally not felt my last gig, and then the following night given one a miss due to “exhaustion” (I really just felt totally knackered and couldn’t be arsed).

Funny Feckers is in the top-rank of bringer gigs and the place was packed. I was convinced at half-time that my bringers would want to leave - not because the acts were bad, but because some of the acts were utterly filthy! But they all stayed. Thanks very much to them.

So I gave the Jesus/Toto material an outing (I’ll post a video when I get it). It filled me with renewed enthusiasm for doing stand-up. And I realised that maybe what I need to do is to experiment with listening more closely to the audience. But also, I need to write more jokes!

Tuesday 23rd April

Bringer No. 18 - Big Nose Comedy - Two Tribes Brewery

This is a type of gig that’s turning out to be familiar. Actually several types of gig at the same time. Compere in a tiff with the venue. Supposedly a bringer, but many of the bringers mysteriously didn’t show up - and the other bringers are comics. So it boils down to (actually this was a brewery so there was some actual boiling in the background) open mic comedians talking to other open mic comedians and any real punters feeling like Jehova’s witnesses who’ve accidentally turned up to Tourette’s syndrome support group.

But curiously it kind of restored my faith in stand-up. There were some friendly faces and there were also some funny jokes.

Joke No. 57

Friedriech Nietzsche said that when you look into the void, the void looks into you. But in Yorkshire, when you look into the void, the void says “what are you fucking looking at?”

Gig No. 26 - TNT Comedy

OK, I’ve got to be honest with you. Gig 25 was weird (Gig 24 wasn’t that great either) and I totally failed to connect with the audience. Gig 26 felt like I was pushing wet cardboard out of my mouth instead of jokes. I’m reading a book - “Be Heard Now!” by Lee Glickstein which is all about how the most important thing about stand-up comedy is being authentic, but I don’t know how I can make that work with the business of sitting down and writing actual jokes which is a totally artificial activity. Gah!

Be yourself they say. But be your best self! I have no idea what any of that means any more. Melt-fucking-down.

Bringer No. 17 - Nell of Old Drury

Barely a comedy night. Just goes to show how important all those things are that a compere should make sure happen.

Chairs arranged in rows. Starting at a reasonable time. Microphone that doesn’t have an echo, shut down the pub muzak. It was a shame really because the compere had good attitude and good jokes. But she was transparently disinterested in the acts (or some of them).

The other thing was that just about every act talked about Tinder. OK that might be the forefront of your mind, but if you’ve just sat through half a dozen acts talking about Tinder - do you still want to talk about Tinder?

The other thought that went through my head is that it might be that the world of relationships is changing. When I started doing stand-up comedy, the default comedian was a 19-year-old Australian in a black t-shirt complaining about his girlfriend. Now it’s a comedian of any gender complaining about Tinder. Can’t make my mind up if this is progress.

Also, business models for open mic nights keep running through my head. What about a pay-to-play night where all of the money that the acts pay in (2 pounds a minute up to a maximum of 20 pounds) goes on marketing and you get a share of whatever the bucket is at the end. I would be a good way of figuring out what things work from a marketing point of view (social media marketing? Flyering?). If you did that, one of the conditions / practices could be that everything gets recorded on video and put on youtube (this is what hot water comedy does).

Saturday 13th April 2019

Gig No. 25 - Ken Uncut - Hoop and Toy South Kensington

I’m halfway through my fifty gig quest and it’s only April!

But well, this one was awkward. Instructive, but awkward. There were several children in the audience which meant there were a combination of reactions. One - defiance. Two - tongue-tied attempts to clean up material. Three - talk to the people in the audience. I fell into category two I think (make up your own minds). But I think the one that worked best was category three.

Thursday 11th April

Gig No. 24 - Up the Creek, the Blackout, Greenwich

Nearly half-way to 50 gigs! Well, this was a disaster in one sense. I didn’t last much more than the two minutes. But in another sense it’s no big deal getting kicked off stage and I could walk straight out the door and go home.

But it also makes you absolutely clear that you need better material! What it’s made me want to do is to want to sit down with my material (or maybe stand up with it) and go over it and see how I can get the “gag count” up.

The other thing to remember with this is that it’s a marathon - not a sprint.

Wednesday 10th April

Weak joke hospital

I had a fake cake at my wedding.

Gig No. 23 Strange Brew Comedy - Deptford

I’ve got a recording of this that I’ll put up soon. It was OK. I didn’t get a huge number of laughs. One thing that I noticed when I listened to the recording was that there were quite a lot of opportunities for interactions with the audience that I missed.

GigTwentyThreStrangeBrewDepford.mp3

Monday 8th April

Gig No. 22 - King and Queen, Fitzrovia, Rising Stars

Meh performance last night. I didn’t really remember the jokes didn’t really feel the need to record it. It felt like warming up again after having a rest for a few weeks. I started to put together the idea of “Jesus as a stand-up comed ian.” But I haven’t quite managed to get it there yet. There was a lot of Jesus stuff last night. But I suppose that it is nearly Easter.

My last gig was actually 22ndy March - so a long time ago.

Joke No. 56 - Curly wurly

Do you know what really straightens my curly wurly?

Joke No. 55 - Eye contact and self-help bit

So I’m just going to take a moment to make eye contact with some of the audience. I’m reading a self-help book at the moment about the importance of eye contact. Ever wonder about that phrase “self-help.” If you could help yourself. Well, then you wouldn’t need help. It’s even worse if it’s a diet book. I need to lose weight. Helping myself is what got me into this situation.

It’s about as much use as my buying a self-dress book. I’m self-aware. I know I can’t dress myself. Ok I can put my trousers on and tie my shoe laces like a big boy, but I can’t, no matter what I do, I can’t manage to look like I didn’t just stagger up an embankment after a train crash, in the 1990’s. I think it might have been Potters bar.

Joke No. 54 - Physalis

You know when you go to a moderately fancy restaurant, with your dessert you sometimes get this little yellow fruit - with like curly leaves. Do you know what that’s called? I didn’t and then I did some research that’s millenial y’know for typing something into Google.

It’s called Physalis. I’m not surprised the don’t shout about what it’s called.

Sunday 7th April

Joke No. 53 - Worst thing you’ve ever eaten

You madam. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten? Was it this guy?

Saturday 6th April

Joke No. 52 - #metoo

I’m totally on board with #metoo. I don’t want anybody to do anything that they don’t want to do. And I realise that for most women, when it comes to things that they don’t want to do, I’m right at the top of the list.

Joke #51 - Japanese prison camp sex

Yes, I’m stil getting sex. But I’ve been with my wife 25 years. I’m getting sex, like you get food in a World War Two Japanese prison camp. Just at the point when I’m about to drop into a coma. I’m fed a little gruel.

Weak joke hospital

• I might be an idiot. I see a lot of younger people talking about some particular stupid thing that they’ve done. I’m 50. I’ve got files. I’ve got a CV.

• I see a lot of open mic female comedians saying that they’re single and that they really want to have sex with a man. But I don’t think they mean me.

Bringer No. 16 - Vauxhall Griffin

It was slightly strange night. One of those where the requirement for a bringer wasn’t that strictly enforced and so everybody ends up performing to a bunch of other comedians. On some nights that can see OK.

I did start to get a little bit of an insight into how gigs are arranged.

Bringer No. 15 - Big Nose Comedy Boogaloo Highgate

I thought Luke Chilton was hilarious last night. And there was another guy (it normally takes two or three times seeing a comic before I remember their name because I am an awful person) who told some very obvious take-my-wife style jokes but he had a funny attitude. Woman bragging about how much sex you’ve had? Really? I don’t see why that’s funny.

Friday 29th March

I’ve taken a week off from comedy (doing it anyway) but that also seems to have resulted in taking time off from writing jokes.

No. Bueno.

So where are some joke fragments. These really are candidates for the “weak joke hospital” but I’m still going to write them down.

Weak Joke Hospital

Bury your hopes and dreams under the patio - with all the relatives you didn’t like.

Sweat shirts? No other kind of clothing gets named after bodily effluvia. Cum pants? Shit socks? Sputum miniskirts.

Friday 22nd March

Bringer No. 14 Rising Stars, King and Queen Fitzrovia

It was a good night without anybody really doing badly. It was a competition and I was really surprised by who won, it wasn’t who I thought was the best act of the night, by a long way.

Thursday 21st March

Gig No. 21 - The Cavendish Arms Stockwell

Very good and enjoyable gig. I did all the “Jesus” material and it went down pretty well. As I came off of the stage I got the “again, agains.”

Wednesday 20th March

Bringer No. 13 - Monty’s bar

A very well-run night. One guy ran 11 minutes for a 7-minute spot. The arrogance of youth (he wasn’t funny).

Monday 18th March 2019

Bringer No. 12 - Comedy Throw Down or Something at the Hoop and Toy

Some very funny acts. Luke Chilton. Very funny. And a female comedian who I think was called Borgia doing stuff about Frog sex and the Titanic. I don’t think that’s how you pronounce Rontgen. But what do I know?

Joke No. 50 - Jesus was a stand-up comedian

But was Jesus a stand-up comedian? He had a pretty weird relationship with his father - my dad, right, he didn’t love me, but not only did he not love me, he nailed me to a cross to show my step brothers and sisters how he loved them more.. He spent most of his time with 12 other losers who didn’t have jobs just sat around talking about how they were going to be famous.

Went they went to the wedding at Canaa they all ordered jugs of tap water.

There was this ex-hooker who joined them thinking it might be a good career change. True story. When he’d died pretty much the worst death EVER - he crawled away, hid in a cave for three days and came out and did another gig.

Joke No. 49 - Financial Advice

He who goes a-borrowing, goes a-sorrowing.

I think all financial advice should rhyme. (OK, needs more work).

People who invest unwisely in complex financial instruments might find they spend a large chunk of their lives living in tents?

Shakespeare said neither a borrower nor a lender be for borrowing dulls the end of husbandry.

I think this means that if you’re worrying about your financial problems, it’s difficult to maintain an erection.

Joke No. 48

There’s no time like the present - and actually there’s no present like time. Although it’s a fucker to wrap.

Saturday 16th March 2019

Joke No. 47 - What Makes you Laugh or Smile

This is new material. What they say is if it makes you laugh or smile, it’s probably worth trying out in front of an audience. Good advice. Doesn’t apply to your own penis. That’s what the police told me.

Joke No. 46 - Sexual Fantasies

Everybody understands there’s difference between sexual fantasies and sexual realities don’t they?

If my sexual fantasies were realities I’d have to have a gallon of yoghurt and a brick of zinc for breakfast.

Wednesday 13th March

Gig No. 20 The Heavenly Comedy, Shepherd’s Bush

It’s mid March of my year of doing 50 gigs and I’m feeling a lot better than I have been for a while. I’ve already done 20 gigs.

I tried to do all new material - although the Jesus stuff is on its 4th outing now. And I’m pretty sure I can get it to work.

I like this night run by Njambi Mcgrath. I can see how people might think it’s a bit of a problem doing 5 minutes amongst Njambi’s long bits of her own material. But that’s the deal! It’s her night and it’s not a bringer.

I must confess I got the “again, agains” again. I wanted to do it - again. And now I have to wait until the end of next week - although that will give me a chance to write some material and to hothouse it at home.

Tuesday 12th March 2019

Gig No. 19 Comedy 42 - Stoke Newington

So there was a lesson from last night and that lesson was that I shouldn’t drink. Especially BEFORE I go on stage.

The whole point of being out last night and sitting in an underground cavern between the hours of 7 and 11:30! Was so that I could go on stage and I was drunk, to be frank, when I got there.

The results of that were mixed.

1. Forgot to turn on either my recorder or my timer (in this gig the recorder was far more important than the timer) - BAD

2. I did some totally new material that I otherwise wouldn’t have done - GOOD

3. I did some “questionable” material that I’m not sure I’ll ever do again - MMMMMM

4. I stumbled a gag that I’ve done half a dozen times and I lost the audience - BAD.

5. Even though I wrote it down, I didn’t do the “Shots fired” gag - AWWWW

6. It’s starting to sound like I have my own comedy audience in my head. Is that good or bad? - [SILENCE]

There may have been other good and bad an MMMM points but I didn’t notice them because I was a bit drunk.

Other things that I’ve learned (for some reason, I’m very list-y this morning, maybe it’s an inner ear problem).

1. Truth be told, I think I’m getting a bit tired of going out nearly every night and doing comedy and I could really do with a few nights in and a bit of rest.

2. Truth be told, I think this might be happening to a lot of people this time of year. The places aren’t filled to the gunnels like they were at the beginning of the year - it’s a New Year’s Resolution thing.

3. I could do with a way of collecting together all the jokes that I’ve written so that I can read them out when I’m in a situation like that where it’s just comedians performing to comedians. Because that is not the time for the gendered pronouns material.

4. I’m 92.2 Kilos, so if I can get through today eating the prescribed breakfast and lunch there is a genuine chance that I could make it down to ninety one point something by the end of the week and get the recent weight trend arrow pointing down. Which is nothing to do with comedy and everything to do with comedy because it’s the nights of drinking that have been playing havoc with my weight recently (looking at you Cavendish arms finish a comedy night at 9 o’clock).

Joke No. 46 - Surprise Parties

Now you may think that it would be great to know everything through all time. But it does have some drawbacks. God knew that Bruce Willis was seeing dead people right at the beginning of that movie.

You can’t play a game of patience. And nobody’s going to play poker with you.

And never, since the beginning of time has anyone thrown you a surprise party.

Monday 11th March 2019

Joke No. 45 - Lovely audience

I’ve been listen to you guys. I think you’re a lovely audience. Lovely. But very discerning. You seem to be sitting there saying “Mmm, I’m only going to laugh at an observation that uniquely captures the tragi-comic nature of the human condition.” That or a really good knob gag.

Joke No. 44 (addition bit for “Now THAT’s what I call music”)

One of the unexpected effects of losing weight for me has been that I’ve started to get “morning wood” again - for the first time since my 20’s.

It’s like finding something really unexpected from the 80’s in your pants, like a “Now that’s what I call music 3” audio cassette in your pants. And my wife said - it would have been even more surprising if it were a 12 inch and black.

(In my defence, when I was thinking of this last night in bed it seemed funny)

Sunday 10th March 2019

Gig No. 18 - Comedy Virgins, Cavendish Arms, Stockwell

I don’t know what to make of what happened this afternoon. I was on last. And the compere completely bigged me up. I think I did OK, but what I really wanted to do was smash it. I tried a bunch of new stuff to open, which was probably not the best thing to do. But again, instinctively, especially at this stage, I don’t want to restrict myself totally to just the same routine over and over again.

For the second time in two gigs, I forgot to record myself, which is really bad. I need to listen back to these.

Look at me. It was a good gig. It certainly wasn’t a death and I’m agonising over how I could have been funnier. The nights when you totally smash it will most probably be the ones that you least expect.

Joke No. 43 (it’s a bit really)

Weak Joke Hospital

This is a bit where I read you out my weakest, barely alive, feeding them milk through a pipette even though they’re not mammals and the lactose will probably kill them, jokes.

And together we try to decide if they’re any hope of them recovering, flapping their wings and making it into a comedy routine, or should we put them in a cloth sack and drop them in the Thames.

Joke No. 42 - No Ath

This is what athleisure wear looks like if you don’t do any ath.

[Dirty version of that joke that I can probably never use]

Ass leisure wear. Anybody who is wearing assleisure were is either inadvertently or advertently telling you just how much fun their ass would me.

No alarms. No surprises. This is what you’re getting.

Friday 8th March 2019

Gig No. 17 - Comedy Virgins, Cavendish Arms, Stockwell

Didn’t manage to record this one. I thought it went pretty well, but there was no acclaim to buy me a drink. :-(

Interestingly, it was a short Bill of comedians because there’d been some mix-up with bookings and there were karaoke people coming in straight-away afterwards.

The result of that was that I didn’t need to get away straight away afterwards and so got rather drunk!

It was international woman’s day. And some comic called me out for doing some material about oral sex. Although in life, I often do, when I’m telling jokes, I really don’t want to offend anyone.

Joke No. 41

Just a bit about me. This bit. [points to bit of chest] This bit is about me. This bit? [points around] This bit is around me. That bit? [points far away] That’s beyond me.

You know when people say. It’s not all about you. That’s totally wrong isn’t it. Because apart from what I had for lunch and some internal organs. Literally everything else is about me.

Some prepositional humour there.

Don’t worry - there’ll be someone along complaining about Tinder in about 4 minutes.

Bringer No. 11

In the same weird Old Street Basement. It was supposed to be a bringer (that’s why I was there) but the guy that I was supporting seemed to be the only person who actually bothered to arrange anyone. Leaving us both feeling a bit short-changed. I suppose I could have pushed myself onto the bill but I didn’t fancy this being the third time this week that I’ve done my set to a less-than-receptive audience. Regetting it now. Should always at least ask.

Gig No. 16 - Love Comedy Old Street

A weird gig in an Old Street basement. Not a Bringer, so no audience. You can totally see why Bringers came about. One the other hand, this is genuinely how popular you are. This is actually how much other people want to see you. This is a bit of a low point. Feel like I need a bit of a rest.

Gig No. 15 - Right Comedy Hawkins Forge

On nights where the audience isn’t that lively, I’m not doing that well. This is the second outing for this material, and the first time it worked pretty well. But tonight? Not so much.

It’s very instructive to see other comedians do a much better job of it. Heidi Regan was particular good I thought. Rather weirdly I got into an argument with my bringer about what kind of material I should be doing.

Monday 4th March 2019

Joke No. 41

I think I know you’re all optimists who see the positive aspects of any situation.

How do I know this? If you look back at the times you’ve had the most fun, if you remember the times when you’ve been happiest - my guess is they weren’t in comedy clubs.

And yet here you are. See that’s optimism.

Saturday 2nd March 2019

What Am I Doing?

Last night at the Beehive was my second rough pub in two weeks and that would make it about my third in two years. And there were some people at the gig last night who really weren’t nice. At the same time I got chatting to someone who Facebook (because it knows a lot more about these things than I do) thought I should have been friends with for ages. And I also got talking to a woman called Sydney from New York. Sitting at the back of the gig chatting I somehow felt that I was in the right place.

There are two things that you get asked a lot if you do stand-up comedy.

1. How do you manage to get up on the stage. Answer: Given the right psychopathology, it’s almost impossible not to.
2. Why do you want to do that? Answer: See Answer 1, but also there is a huge satisfaction gained from writing something and finishing it. I’ve tried to write novels. I’ve tried to write books about my work. I haven’t managed to finish them. I can get an idea for a joke, write it down and then go somewhere and say it out loud. And people either laugh or they don’t. If they don’t I drop it (unless I really like it) if they laugh I’ll keep it and polish it.

Most of us don’t get to be artists. Most of us don’t get “creative control” over anything. People who have gardens, allotments, front rooms that they obsessively decorate - that’s what they’re doing. They’re finding a tiny square that they control. Those 5 minutes on stage are my allotment.

But I was reading something else this morning that made me think that comedy is also something else.

I was reading a quote from Douglas Adams (because I think he said that you can only really make a joke about something that you understand). And I found another quote from him which really resonated: “What I need is strong drink and a peer group.”

A comedy club is a kind of theatre. Everyone is in the dark apart from the man with the talking stick. It’s probably bollocks, but that kind of seems atavistic, primordial, a modern version of telling stories around a campfire (mainly about sexual dysfunction and daddy not loving us, but hey). And I’m often struck by how the most un promising of rooms can get transformed into a comedy club with just a little bit of rearranging of chairs and dimming and turning of lights.

And when they laugh. Oh my fucking word. When they laugh.

Friday 1st March 2019

Gig No. 14, Comedy Be East - The Beehive, Bow

Another “rough” pub. But also a kind of “rough” set of comics. There was some jiggery pokery with the order so that this one “comic” could be on last before the headline act. What he tried to do was “kill the room” - be totally obnoxious so that nobody wants to laugh at the next comic - a muslim female comic - Sadia Azmat. He also had a go at one of the older guys who had been on earlier and said he looked like Roger Scruton. For him I could see that was only going to be (even slightly) funny if nobody knew who Roger Scruton was. So I shouted out “I know who Roger Scruton is.” I wish I’d shouted out “I know who Roger Scruton is, he’s fucking funnier than you.”

So to be fair to this notionally “rough” pub. The people who were actually the most grief were other comedians rather than the locals.

One thing that I’ve noticed about the six/seven weeks that I’ve been on this comedy quest - I’ve become a lot more reticent on social media. Mainly I just try to find Bringers now.

There is a quote - I can’t find where it came from. You can only make jokes about things that you really understand. And I find that I don’t really understand most things.

I can make angry facebook or twitter-ragey posts about them. But actually understanding them? That’s a lot trickier.

Joke No. 40 - Spice Girls

I had this nightmare. There was this terrifying monster coming to get me. And I could see that it had eight legs and I thought, no actually I knew it was the Kraken. But then I counted more carefully and realised that it had ten legs and five vaginas. It was the Spice Girls.

And so they asked me to tell them what I wanted, what I really wanted. And I said a kitkat. And they said we’re all out of kitkats how about a Twix? And I said hmmph. Alright then.

Then Emma Bunton gave me a sparkly look and they fucked off on a union jack double decker bus. That should have been the giveaway.

Bringer No. 10 - Funny Feckers, The Constitution Camden

Watching people doing filthy stuff. Maybe it’s just filthy stuff that I’m not into. I just don’t find most bestiality and incest jokes funny. Does that make me a prude?

There was a good joke from someone who practised polyamoury (I’m not really sure I know what that means) about google calendars.

Makes me wonder about my filthy stuff. But then again, it feels like I’ve been out a hell of a lot in the last few nights. Maybe I’m just tired.

I’m looking forward to not being out Saturday and Sunday nights

Joke No. 39

I was doing this gig in a really rough pub last week. There were these locals at the bar. They were giving me really mean looks. And I don’t scare easily. Sorry. What am I talking about. I scare really easily.

Wednesday 27th February 2019

B### Gig No. 13 Strange Brew Comedy Deptford

Most of this (all the Jesus Brian Blessed stuff) was completely new. I went on too long. But I’m really glad that I did it. The previous times that I’ve been here the audience has been bigger than it was tonight. The end of February seems to have resulted in a weird shrinkage in the interest of doing and watching comedy. All over facebook you’ve seen the plaintive calls of promoters.

Tuesday 26th February 2019 - TNT Comedy - The Vine, Tufnell Park

Bringer No. 9

Everybody who went on here seemed so good - there didn’t seem to be a wrong ‘un. All night.

Don’t Dwell on the Negatives…

I’ve seen a few promoters of open mic comedy nights complaining about acts either turning up late or not turning up at all and threatening to not allow acts on if they don’t turn up at their allotted time.

I can easily see that it must be very annoying if you’re a promoter that acts either don’t turn up, or swan in at the last minute. On the other hand, I think it’s really important to remember that the acts are doing what they do for FREE - and if it’s a bringer, they’re also imposing on someone else to come with them.

A promoter has just told me that I shouldn’t try to get a spot at his gig because I’ve dared to cancel his gig and then advertise that I’m free that night to be a bringer. I’m sorry - do we have any kind of relationship of obligation? When I cancelled your gig it was because I wasn’t free that night. When I advertised that I can be a bringer that was because my circ’s had changed.

Joke No. 38

And that’s why we say “You can’t make an omelette without breaking legs.” - Ah - sorry, wrong speech - that’s just the end of my talk on Mary Berry’s martial arts course: Dùn tāng de fāngshì - way of the blunt spoon. You don’t spend 10 years standing next to a Scouser and keep your jewellery without knowing a thing or two about defending yourself with kitchen implements.

Yeah that’s right. It’s just a basic joke about people from Liverpool being criminals dressed up in a cultural reference and a twinset and pearls.

Sunday 24th February 2019

Gig No. 12 Rising Star and the King and Queen in Fitzrovia

The compere completely threw me by owning up to being the elephant. But these are definitely the biggest laughs I’ve got so far this year.

Joke No. 37 Bermuda Triangle

As part of the oral sex humming bit? Bermuda triangle, by Barry Manilow?

Joke No. 36 Comfort Zone

I like comedy. It pushes me outside of my comfort zone. And to be clear my comfort zone is sitting at home watching an episode of Poirot where I can’t remember who the murder is, while asking my wife “what’s wrong” and she’s still not so drunk that she’s actually going to tell me.

Thursday February 21st 2019

Gig No. 11 - Funny Box Live - The Good Intent

Part 1

(A bit belatedly I got video of this night - the camera work goes a bit whacky sometimes but it’s still worth a look)

Part 2

I have a confession to make. I am a coward and an idiot. OK, the whole thing went a bit weird. I had rehearsed a 5 minute set pretty solidly because I was expecting some people I knew to turn up as bringers. Then just at the end of day I noticed that actually I was headlining and I was supposed to 10 minutes. So that was a rather hurried session of stitching back in some bits that I thought were maybe to rude to perform in front of my friends. Then I get to the pub. And the pub is rough as. And the stage where the stand-up is happening isn’t in a separate room, it’s just at one end of the bar. And the locals are rough as.

The compere is a delightful young guy called Richard. Who is seriously visually impaired, but is doing a stellar job anyway. And I am definitely going to do my 10 minutes. But I’m a bit worried about my guests coming to this rough as pub. So I ring my wife in a panic. Sort of half hoping that she’ll volunteer to come out and rescue our friends. And she says, get out of there. What the hell are you doing in such a rough pub. And then guess what happened?

• The locals moved to the other bar
• The place filled up with comics and their Bringers
• Everything was fine, my friends enjoyed themselves
• I went on last, and if not exactly smashing it, did OK

So it just goes to show. A cowardly comic dies a thousand times. A brave one, well a bit less.

Tuesday February 19th 2019

Joke No. 35 - Brian Blessed

Blessed are the peacemakers - Jesus said that. Except Brian Blessed. He’s really loud. Jesus didn’t say that. But he could have, because you see Jesus is God on earth. And God is omniscient he knows everything across all of space and time. So when Jesus was delivering the sermon on the mount, he was aware - even though he was talking in Aramaic, he was aware that there’d be pun in the English translation. But he didn’t go for it. But then, I suppose Jesus isn’t really a stand-up comedian - he’s more of a hang-up tragedian.

Joke No. 34 - Millenials

Millenials? Eh? Who are they? Nobody seems to know. People who’ve been born since the year 2000 people who’ve never know a world without the internet? People who like making hats? That’s a niches artisanal craft pun there. Because people who like making hats are called milliners.

They like drinking mud don’t they? They all seem to be carrying around plastic bottles filled with mud. Huel. A food that not only looks the same going down as it does coming back up, but sounds the same as well. Do you know what I find weirdest? The Christmas dinner version? Liquidised turkey sprouts and all the trimmings. Including pudding. Yule Huel.

And they, and by they I mean most you. Like putting their feet on the seats don’t they? Why is that? Do you do that in your own house? Oh, sorry you don’t own one do you. Is that what it is? I don’t have a sofa to call my own, I shall soil all the public ones.

And tights. Everybody is wearing tights. Men are wearing tights. Women are wearing tights.

Joke No. 33 - Psychotic episode

I this new material or a psychotic episode? Probably too early to tell.

Monday February 18th

Bringer No. 7 - Funny Feckers - The Dean Swift

This was a hilarious packed-out night. With the joke that stayed in my mind being the one from Vanessa Hua about her nickname being “Van.”

Funny Feckers is kind of the rolls-Royce of open-mic bringer gigs. With somehow an even better vibe to it than the Cavendish Arms - with some kind of suspicion that more actual punters might be in the audience. I would like to get on here, but I’m also a bit intimidated. It’s certainly not really a new material night, although there were people on last night, including Katie Price who I’ve seen just a couple of months ago who were much much improved. It’s a bit daunting.

The opening comic was the only one that really struggled, and that was until he hit his stride dealing with the hecklers in the front row.

It’s made me more determined than ever to “hothouse” my comedy. I’m starting to think that the speed of my improvement will be directly connected to how much stage time and hot-housing I’ve done. The reason that hot-housing feels so hard is that it’s performing without the magical support of the audience. But I’ve got some strategies to do it anyway.

I did an extra, not-strictly-stand-up comedy gig last week - Stand-up Agile. But at it I met a fellow stand-up comedian. Who recommended a couple of books that are hard to find on Amazon. “Killer Stand-up Comedy :Course 1:interactive Writing Guide by Steve Roye.” I don’t think I agree with everything that he says. But one thing that I did find interesting was the idea of using stand-up comedy to teach things. In fact it has given me an idea.

Wednesday February 13th

Joke No. 32 - Shots Fired

Shh! What’s that? Shots fired. [Sniffs elaborately] Baileys? Absinthe, Feuerzangenbowle lit with a petrol-fuelled Zippo lighter. Old school! What’s that? [Sniffs again] the tears of Victorian children corporeally punished for even the slightest disciplinary lapse? Very old school.

Tuesday February 12th 2019

Joke No. 31 - Weirdest thing

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve got into trouble for doing while you’re having sex?

I got in a lot of trouble for answering general knowledge questions on Radio 4’s Brain of Britain.

Joke No. 30 - Bee holder

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Honey is in the hive of the bee-holder

Joke No. 29 - Now that’s what I call Music

When I lost weight something very strange happened - I started to get morning wood again. Which hadn’t happened since I was in my early 20’s. It was a real surprise to find something I hadn’t seen since the 80’s in my pants. Like finding Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 3 in there on cassette.

Joke No. 28 - Heckler put down.

What was that you said? What? What? Can’t hear you. Now you’re talking! And I really wish you wouldn’t.

Sunday February 10th 2019

Joke No. 27 - Brexit forever

They say that all good things come to an end. Which is why I know that Brexit will go on for fucking ever.

Friday February 8th 2019

Joke No. 26 - You’ve Been Framed

My advice is never attempt any activity that you’ve seen go horribly wrong on You’ve Been Framed.

Trampolining. Roller skating. Marriage.

Joke No. 25 - Netflix Death check

Have ever watched so much Netflix that Netflix thinks it needs to check if you’re dead? You know - it pops up that little window? “Are you still watching Netflix?” You appear to have been watching Silent Witness for 42 straight episodes. If you are doing that to spank off to Emilia Fox - you probably need some fluids.

---

Ho hum. I don’t have any gigs for a whole week. And I’m really missing it. The main thing that I want to do today is hothouse my routine (my wife had promised that she’ll also listen to it). I also want to do the “Fucking Toto” material so that I absolutely get the most out of it).

Wednesday February 6th 2019

Gig No. 10 - Happy Laugh Craft - Hoop and Toy, South Kensington

So I took out all the bits that I thought weren’t working, but didn’t seem to be able to connect. So I’m comforting myself, listening back to this that at least I’m clear. I can be heard. I’m not talking too fast, I’m not humming and awing. They’re listening to what I have to say.

What is occurring to me now is that I’m wondering what they want.

The best joke of the night was an ISA/Isis pun. And again - I didn’t get the name.

Joke No. 24

It’s always darkest just before the Dawn. That’s what we say in my family. Because Dawn is huge. She blocks out the light.

Joke No. 23 - Plasticity

Men’s sexuality is fixed pretty early in life. Women’s sexuality is more fluid. This is called erotic plasticity. It means that after certain age woman prefer a vibrator.

No, no. It means that even though women might have been straight all their lives they still might decide might find later in life that they actually are more attracted to women.

Joke No. 22 - Wittgenstein

The philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein said that we are all asleep, but sometimes we are awake enough to know that we are dreaming. That’s not an announcement you want to hear from the cockpit is it?

Are we even gonna make it to Benidorm?

Joke No. 21 - Ailments

I thought I’d just talk about my ailments for a bit - because I know that that’s really sexy. Especially genito-urinary ailments - that’s the hot stuff isn’t it?

Joke No. 20 - More Elephant in the room

You see the Elephant in the room is an interesting idea because it’s obviously insane. There is no Elephant in the room. If there were an elephant in this room, that would be a complete disaster, it would be mayhem. I was at gig just recently when somebody brought a pit bull to an open mic gig. That was bad enough.

Actually having an elephant in this room would be disastrous. But suggesting that there could be - that’s easy. I just did it. And once you’ve suggested an idea, no matter how crazy. There are some people who think - “OK - why not?”

And that’s why we have Brexit.

Gig No. 9 - Comedy 42 Stoke Newington

I think last night was one of the best. With some people coming up to me at the end and saying that they liked my set, in a room that had a lot of good comedians.

The chap who runs Comedy 42 is called Vittorio and he runs it very well. I like the night at lot. It’s in a cocktail bar under a kebab shop and they will bring the kebabs to your table as you watch the comedy! What’s not to like about that!

One thing that’s interesting now - and I think this is something that I need to get better at - is polishing the bits that work. There’s a bit in the bit about oral sex that I think I’ve only managed to do once and I haven’t managed to do right yet. It would be great to get that right. And I think that probably needs some hot housing. If I’m not going out doing gigs for a while, then I’ll get a chance to do that I suppose.

At the same time I’m exasperated that I can’t get the Brexit stuff to fly, and I’m wondering if it needs to be a combination of hot-housing (that’s my fancy word for practice) and actually writing out the routines and thinking of different bits that I can add.

I wrote this little computer program called “ekeez” - after “Cadaver Equise” which is a surrealist game. I would really like my comedy to be more surreal but the stuff that I’ve tried in this area (the monkey’s driving the bus stuff that I tried last night) hasn’t worked. Yet. I’m going to say yet. See? Positive thinking. All the little program does is read the last line from a file and then print it out, and then wait for you to type in another line, which it adds to the file. This is basically playing a game on my own that Logan Murray taught us how to play in groups.

When I’ve got a bunch of these “cadavers, equise” I’ll think about reading them out - maybe just reading them out verbatim. Another thing that I learned from Logan is that if you do that kind of thing and you give the nonsense that you’re reading full weight, you will get laughs.

I know you don’t care about any of these technical details, but I do think I’m going to also play with something called “Infinite ekeez”, because the one that I have at the moment kind of relies on my not remembering what the thing before the last thing was. But don’t worry. I have a plan.

Gig No. 8 - Right Funny Comedy Clapham

Better - there’s a ton more fun “down there” on what can be hummed. It’s a good gig because it always gets genuine punters as well as other comedians and their bringers.

Joke No. 19 - Monkey driving Brexit

So there’s been a thing on a lot of social media pages about a bus driver losing his job because he let a monkey drive his bus for a few minutes.

Which is weird because the British people have been letting Monkeys drive Brexit for over two years - no punishment so far - I think it might be coming.

Joke No. 18 - Favourite Pronouns

So some people have started putting their preferred pronouns in their twitter profiles. And I’m totally fine with that. Refer to yourself however you want, make it easier for people to address you as you want to be addressed. Totally fine. But I was thinking that I don’t really mind what pronouns you use for me “he him his.” “They, them, their”, “It it its.” Who am I kidding I’m a comedian my preferred pronouns are I, I, I and ME, ME, ME.

But I was thinking I definitely have a preferred noun. Pudding.

Joke No. 17 - (audience bit)

Good evening madam - do you identify as a woman? Can I ask you is there any possibility of you initiating a sexual encounter with me? What no? That’s fine. You’re in control of this thing. I totally respect that.

Joke No. 16 - Hull is Other People

What if you were in Hell - who would be there with you? In my case, I was imagining that it would be a very beautiful woman who won’t sleep with me. My mum. Somebody who’s a lot cleverer than me and a total racist idiot. And if life really is a sick joke, what about hell being living with these people in Hull? What kind of joke is worse than a pun?

Gig No. 7 - Ken Uncut, the Hoop and Toy South Kensington

Gigging in the afternoon? Weird. I was focused on setting up a timer and recording my set and as a result managed to do neither. So no recording to post here.

I thought a lot of the other comedians were very good and I did find myself spilling out into the South Kensington freezing afternoon wondering why I am doing this (the questions pretty much everybody else asks me).

But I did do the whole of the Fucking Toto, Toto, Tutu. Bit which I’ve no idea where it came from, but there we are. So I came away with a bunch of resolutions.

1) Hothouse your routines when you have new material in them (I don’t quite know how I’m going to do that before tomorrow night, but, anyway, that’s the resolution). 2) Keep writing - doing the hadron joke collider etc really works, even when it doesn’t work. 3) When you think somebody is really funny (like yesterday, there was a guy with long hair and glasses who was really funny) get there name and then you can write about how funny they are.

OK that’s enough resolutions.

Joke No. 15 - Fucking Tutu

No I actually like being married. And I love my wife. I don’t know did I break some basic comedy rule. But actually getting married was complicated a bit by the injuries from my stag night.

Hey, it wasn’t their fault really I suppose. But my mates thought it would be funny to dress me up in a skirt and tights. And I’m not that used to wearing that kind of gear. So we were waiting to go up in the life to Sushi Samba in Heron Tower - I know, classy. And my skirt got kind of stuck in the lift and it pulled me off the ground and then it was starting to cut through my skin and if one of my friends hadn’t had the initiative to whip out his swiss army knife and cut me out of it, I might have been killed. But unfortunately by that time, I had been pulled by the skirt to the top of the lift door, so when he did cut me free, I kind of plummeted down and smack my head on the floor. So that was pretty much an end to the stag night and I was in a cast for my wedding.

Fucking Tutu.

Joke No. 14 - Fucking Toto Number 2

So I took a break from comedy for a while and I was living and working in Kansas. In a part of America they call “Tornado alley.”

And one day while I was sitting in my studio apartment. The tornado alarm went off, and I could actually see the thing like a giant plughole in the sky. So I was running towards the underground car park that was the tornado shelter. But just as I got to safety this cute little dog ran the other way - back into the apartment building. And so I tried to save the dog. And the whole building got swept up into the sky. And when we landed. I don’t know. It was weird. There was this sociopath dressed in tinfoil. And this really fat cat with anxiety issues and, I don’t mean to be rude but this really stupid tramp. And we had to follow this yellow road to find this dude in a green town who would help and he was just a giant fraud. So the only way I could get home was to kill this new age priestess for her slippers. Fucking Toto.

Bringer No. 6

This was a gig in an outhouse essentially at the Boogaloo in Highgate. Which in this weather wasn’t great. And the crowd was weird. One guy got up and did his act and he was followed by this woman who claimed that he’d stolen a joke from her. He said he hadn’t. I suppose it’s impossible to know who’s telling the truth. Although she did also say as part of her act “If you’re not having suicidal thoughts why are you even doing comedy?” Which is probably a bit she shouldn’t mention if the beef ever come to trial.

There were some actual punters in the crowd as well. And some of those (well one of those) was not a nice lady. I was at this gig being bring for a disable person, and when we came back from the toilet in the interval she was sitting in the place we’d been sitting. When I tried to put my friend back in his place she started being horrible to him saying “You have to move up so my husband can sit there.” I’m not certain, but I think she was the woman taking exception to an anti Brexit joke early in the set.

Wednesday January 30th

Gig No. 6 - Heavenly Comedy, Princess Victoria

A good gig - as always at Heavenly Comedy. I’d arranged a bringer so that I could do 10 minutes and then only did about 8 mins 30 secs which was probably a mistake but it was good to give some material a first airing - the fucking Toto stuff. GigSixHeavenlyComedy.mp3

I’ll post the audio here later.

Joke No. 13 - Cluedo

I once talked to this guy who was doing research on video games causing violence. And I said oh, so are you comparing those people to people who play other games - like Rugby? Hang on a minute. Never mind Rugby. What about board games. Trivial pursuit? Monoply. Do you know a game of monoply that hasn’t ended in a rage quit?

People must get actually killed while playing cluedo so often the forensics guys get bored of seeing it.

“Yes, he’s been superficially beaten about the head with the box. And then his head has been slammed repeatedly into the board - that’s why the little candlestick and the revolver are embedded in his forhead. And as a simultaneous demonstration of overkill and futility he’s been stabbed 43 times in the neck with a tiny, tiny, dagger.”

Tuesday January 29th

Gig No. 5 - Hoop and Toy

I thought this gig went pretty well. It’s very frustrating that some of this stuff still went best the first time that I did it. But hey. I’m worried that I’m not writing enough.

Time to get up first thing in the morning and write some more material.

Joke No. 12 - The Beach Bit

OK, I’m going to try a bit of guided meditation here for a minute. Just imagine that you’re on a beach. It’s a beautiful sunny day and the sun is beating down. You can hear the seagulls and the sound of the waves breaking on the shore. You can feel the sun on your face and the warm water and the sand between your toes.

Now the question is, which is the most vivid? Is it the sight of the sand and the sea? Is it the sound of the waves and the seagulls? Or is it the feel of the sand between your toes and the sun on your face.

If it’s blue of the sky and the sunlight, that means you’re basically a visual person. If it’s the sound of the waves you’re an aural person. Sound. Sound you dirty fuckers. If you’re asking how much this holiday cost and if breakfast is included and why they don’t serve baked beans you’re my fucking uncle Trevor. No seriously, if it’s the feel of the sand between your toes that’s most vivid, you’re probably a serial killer.

Joke No. 11 - Prostate exam

I went to get my prostate examined by the doctor. Because you get to a certain age that’s what happens. The doctor is a tiny young Indian lady and she asks me if I’d like a chaperone. And I was thinking, yes, that’s exactly what this situation needs. An audience.

So she did the exam and she said that my prostate was nice and smooth - what’s the right response to that? Thank you? Is that in any of the etiquette books?

Wednesday 23rd January 2019

Bringer #5 - Strange Brew Comedy, Deptford

I was a bringer for this and the host posted some good pictures of me laughing my ass off. There were a couple of comedians that I liked and what I liked about both of them was their energy. Note to self. Always get the names of the comedians that you like. I found the headline act:

• Hilarious
• Reassuring because so much of what he was doing had clearly been written - they were actual jokes.

Tuesday 22nd January 2019

I AM FIFTY TODAY!

Joke No. 10 - Unaided Flight

Unaided flight is a thing that birds can do that we humans can’t do. Like hanging upsidedown from a bird feeder to get at the peanuts, birds can do it. Humans can’t. I know - I’ve tried.

Sunday 20th January 2019

Bringer No 4. Rising Stars

Rising Stars Comedy Club

The winner of the night - Lucy Gape was very funny and lifted a night that had been a bit lacklustre up to that point. It’s a good room at the King and Queen on Foley street in Fitzrovia. It wasn’t quite full, but I can imagine if it were it would be awesome.

Joke No 9. Finer points of bringer gig etiquette

I was at an open mic bringer gig a couple of weeks ago and Alastair Campbell’s daughter was doing a set. She started out by boasting that she’d bullied someone at school. Which I thought was a brave move in front of a bunch of comedians. Then her bringer left - halfway through her set and she did 8 minutes instead of eight and then fucked off after her set. Which I thought was totally out of order, but I suppose if your dad was instrumental in the illegal death of millions of people you’re not too worried about the finer points of bringer gig etiquette.

Saturday 19th January 2019

Ha! I just checked the lyrics of “Africa” by Toto. And it’s not “I guess it rains down in Africa”, it’s “I bless the rains down in Africa.” I don’t know if that means I should just not do the bit, or it makes the bit better.

Friday 18th January 2019

Joke No. 8 - Fucking Toto

Fucking Toto - “I guess it rains down in Africa.” Good fucking guess. What’s it gonna do? Rain up? It’s kind of in the definition of rain that it rains down. That’s why it’s called precipitation. If it’s raining up. Either that’s plain old evapouration, or maybe it’s the end times.

Joke No. 7 - Wrong routine

Hello. How are you doing? Look at this! You’re here! I’m here! Let’s push the tea and bourbons to one side and get fucking. Ah sorry. Wrong opening speech.

Joke No. 6 - World Peace

I would really like world peace. Actually I don’t think world peace isn’t enough. You really need world peace and quiet. Because if there’s world peace but somebody’s watching:

• youtube videos
• on their phone
• with the sound on

Sooner or later there’s gonna be murders.

Wednesday 16th January 2019

Bringer No. 3 - The Cavendish Arms

So I was a bringer at the competition at the Cav the night after I was a competitor. It was interesting to note that I thought that the audience was much better than the previous night. The comic that I was bringering didn’t think they were that great.

Actually I thought pretty much everyone was hilarious. And I laughed a lot.

Some of the people were hilarious were only on their third or fourth gig, which is amazing. And just goes to show that Logan Murray’s claim that everyone can be funny in the right setting is pretty much true.

A couple of gigs that I did have in the calendar have disappeared. So I don’t have another gig now until I’m over 50!

And I’m seriously thinking about trying to make my next gig entirely new material. Not reading off a clipboard. But properly hot-housed. I’ve got 12 days. I think I can do it.

Joke No. 5 - Fucking How Much?

I love living in London and most of the time I just put up with the prices. But every now and then I have a Yorkshire flashback. It’s like the world goes into slow motion and it “Foooookinnnnngin Hooowwwwwww MUCH?”

And at that point, if I did have a machine gun I would just gun down all the staff.

Tuesday 15th January 2019

Gig No. 4 - Cavendish Arms Competition

It went nowhere near as well as the Strange Brew gig last week. I noticed that competition audiences at the Cav are less willing to laugh than normal Cav audiences.

And I didn’t get through to the next round. Which felt miserable when it happened. But that’s the ying to the yang of how great it feels when they laugh and you totally smash it.

There was also some reference to my age. The compere compared (I suppose that’s his job!) me to the old guy from “Up!”. Cheeky bastard. And then my bringer pointed out that there was a strong contrast between me and the other comedians in terms of age. OK. I’m a lot older than a lot of the other comedians on the circuit, but I still think I have something to give. Part of me wonders if I should vary what I do to somehow fit my age better. Part of me (the part that wins) thinks “fuck it, this is MY time.” I’ll do what the fuck I like.

I was going to ask the audience what sort of jokes they think I should tell, but I didn’t because I thought I should do a tight five minutes. But what would have been the harm?

But then, you know, listening back to the recording. I do sound kind of tired. And I’m sure that that doesn’t work. I know that there are some “low energy” comedians. But I don’t think my stuff generally works that way. The way that I see myself is as friendly, eccentric and OK, filthy.

And this is good, because it’s a note that I can give to myself (as well as the note to always make sure that I record myself and listen back to the recordings). When it’s a long old night and you’re not on until later, you need to make sure that you attack with energy.

Monday 14th January 2019

Stunts

I read a book about the great performer and showman Ken Campbell. He had a lot of success running theatrical shows in the middle of pubs in the Lancashire mill towns. This can be a tough crowd. The way that he did this was by performing something that was a lot nearer street theatre than theatre, for example hammering a six inch nail into someone’s nostril (this is apparently a lot easier than it sounds but please don’t try this, either at home or in the pub).

My ideas for stunts aren’t that outrageous, but if I can any of them to work I might try to think of some more.

1. Make a huge thing of attempting to ask a member of the audience their profession and being genuinely interested in their response.
2. Ask the audience what kinds of jokes they think you’re going to tell. Ask them what kinds of jokes they’d like you to tell - try to tell a joke about that.
3. Busking stand-up comedian spend a day in one of the spots where people busk offering to tell jokes for money. I’m thinking one pound a joke. 5 jokes for three pounds.

Saturday 12th January 2019

Bringer No. 2 - Cuddles for Troubles

This is normally a very friendly night but I found it a bit weird. Maybe what made it so weird was that one of the first acts on was the daughter of a famous politician. She wasn’t funny. But she didn’t have to be to keep people interested because she was telling stories about famous people. What I found particularly galling was that she didn’t obey the rules of the “Bringer” - she didn’t stay until the end. And she also did about a minute and a half longer than she was supposed to.

Ah well, I suppose if your dad’s implicated in murdering a million people you’re probably not going to “sweat” the small stuff of the etiquette of a bringer night.

The other thing that slightly bothered me was that there were two female comedians who did stuff that, I thought, was really hostile to men. One of them was specifically calling out men my age. Part of what bothers me about it is that I’m wondering if when I do jokes about sex, I’m coming across as hostile to women. I’ve theorised that it might be a good idea to “punch up” as a female comedian. So it’s interesting that when I watched someone do that a couple of times in one night, I didn’t like it up me - as Clive Dunn would say.

One of the jokes that I did like was “I went to therapy, then I did stand-up comedy, which is definitely the right order.” A lot of people are there to talk about their sexuality in ways which are quite near therapy.

I mean. I’m there when I’m on stage to talk about my sexuality. But I suppose what I’m trying to do is to have put enough work into the writing and the delivery that it gets laughs. Could you (if you were a woman) do a routine about hating men that was riotously funny?

I read autobiography of Joan Rivers and she says something about it being OK for there to be hate in the comedy. But there has to be more comedy than hate.

January 9th 2019

Gig Notes - Gig No. 3

A brand new comedy gig in Deptford. The compere asked me what kind of material I was going to do. Me “Erm, I’m going to talk about Brexit and oral sex.”

I was supposed to be second on in the second act (a very nice slot) but then some other comics didn’t turn up and I ended up being on first! I’d only just though of the oral sex stuff that morning and I did it instead of the LME stuff which hasn’t really gone that well. And, it went very well. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I smashed it (OK I did say that on facebook!) but it went very well.

I think the hot housing worked very well. I’m going to try to do some more tomorrow.

Joke No. 4

Oral sex

Lots of things sound like a great idea but turn out to be a bad idea. I read a book about oral sex. No this is real. It’s called “She comes first.” And it was lots of good advice about oral sex. Cover the whole area. Not just the top bit. Maintain eye contact. Which can be tricky. But yes. Good. Compliment her on the smell and the taste.

Now this just goes to show that in sex, as in comedy, timing is very important. Because at this point, compliment a lady on the smell of her vagina is a good idea. Do it to someone you’ve never met before on the Jubilee line? You’re gonna get funny looks. See? Timing.

But finally, when you’re getting advance it suggests that you get right in there and put your big front teeth against the clitoris and hum. You’re essentially turning yourself into a giant vibrator. Sounds like a good idea right? But the question then arises. What are you gonna hum? I always want to hum the damnbusters. You’ve got the mask on. You’ve got things flapping in the wind behind you.

I was not popular. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “not going down well.”

January 8th 2019

Gig Notes - Gig No. 2

Great gig in Stoke Newington - 42 Comedy club on a Tuesday night downstairs at Fanny’s bar.

You know when you go to the theatre and you come back all breathless and enthusiastic. That’s how I feel after this gig. I really think the hot-housing worked.

I did a bunch of material I’ve never done before about Brexit and Sinn Fein! And it got laughs in front of a substantially Irish crowd.

I really didn’t think that the place looked like much when I went in there but I enjoyed being in the audience and boy did I enjoy being on stage.

Again. Again.

Great gig in Stoke Newington - 42 Comedy club on a Tuesday night downstairs at Fanny’s bar.

Knob Gags

Knob gags. Dick gags. Ball gags. I wrote down the “curler” joke from yesterday, even though it was tortuous because I think it’s important even to write down a glimmer of a gag. But at the same time I’d really like to write some other jokes.

Joke No. 4

You are what you eat

They say that you are what you eat. Does that mean that Boris Johnson eats massive cocks?

January 7th 2019

Bringer No. 1 - Cavendish Arms Comedy Competition, “the Max Turner”

Interesting to go a comedy competition. There was one stand-out act, who I’m sure I’ll see again and catch his name next time - Nick someone.

One thing that is clear about that competition is that getting on first is really bad. The first three or four acts really struggled.

I’m on next week and I can see that what you need for that competition is a really tight set. Which is exactly what I don’t have.

Joke No. 3

Curlers

I have this friend who’s into polyamoury. I rang her up last night on the off-chance she wanted to go out for a drink.

She said “Oh I would do, but I just got the curlers in.”

I said “You mean you’re doing your hair.”

She said “No that’s what I call my boyfriends Jeff and Barry.”

I said “Why?”

She said “Because they sweep me up and they’ve got huge stones.”

January 5th 2019

Joke No. 2

A Year of Living Self-Helpfully

Planuary - plan all the things that you’re going to stop doing in the rest of the year

Forbrewery - got to the pub every night

Fartz - eat a lot of kebabs and curries

Staypril - stay in the house and watch box sets, order pizza

Play away May - commit adultery

Noon June - don’t get out of bed until lunch

July - Ju lie next to the pool somewhere sunny probably drinking cocktails with a hangover

Or Gust - a lot like Fartz

Acceptember - say yes to everything Cocktober – Behave like Piers Morgan

NoNovember - don’t say “no” to anything

Dick-cember - pretend to be a vegan, especially for Christmas dinner.

---

Notes on “Hot-housing”

OK, so I played the game with the speed of the routine yesterday and it kind of worked.

Some notes.

1. There are only really three speeds: slow as you can bear, fast as you can and normal (it might work to go slow and then try to go slower and then try to go even slower, and the same with faster).
2. It teaches you the material and it makes you feel the bits that don’t work
3. I think I’ve got about 2 mins tops of good stuff in my current 5 mins so I need to write some more!
4. I got a “weak joke” out of the activity - “50 years old and never been swiped.”

January 3rd 2019

“Hot-housing”

Just realised that I’ve got a competition in 12 days time. And what I need for that is a “tight” 5 minutes. That’s not what I have have the the moment is a “loose” 9 or 10 minutes. How do I make it tighter. Well, I can do lots of 5 minute gigs but every one that I do, I have to go to. And that’s typically a whole evening that I’m not at home. Also, every gig that I do where I’m saying the same thing over and over is a gig where I’m not trying new material. It’s also a gig where I’m not trying new interactions with audience.

So I’ve got an idea for something that I might try.

1. Put together 5 minutes of material.
2. Read it through a couple of times and time it.
3. Print it out.
4. Get a dice (die I believe is the singular).
5. Roll it:
   • 1 = VERY SLOW
   • 2 = QUITE SLOW
   • 3 = NORMAL SPEED
   • 4 = QUITE FAST
   • 5 = CRAZY FAST
   • 6 = OPERATIC/RAP/AS IF IT WERE POETRY
6. Do this 5 or 6 times - video it.
7. After each iteration make notes of any new funny ideas that came to you, any changes you might make. Either note them on the routine or, if you’re getting to the point where you’re putting the routine down just add them in.
8. I’m going to try this this weekend, I might post the results.

Joke No. 1 of the year

I think it’s time ladies and gentlemen that we talk about the elephant in the room, well, if there isn’t an elephant in the room, what did I just see in the gents? Not only had it blocked the u-bend it had cracked the pot. And there was what looked like a trunk-shaped dent in the wall. Although I suppose it’s possible that that was the result of veganuary.

Gig Notes - Gig No. 1

There weren’t many of us last night at the Princess Victoria in Shepherd’s Bush. Njambi McGrath runs a great evening, but it’s not a bringer unless you want to do 10 minutes (I’d bought a bringer).

There was one joke that I really liked about millenials, which I won’t share here.

OK, this is a weird thing. When you go to a stand-up gig, there’s a lot to remember.

• Engage with the audience rather than just look down at your material - I managed that a bit
• Video your performance (totally forgot)
• Remember the names of the comedians that you think are funny.

I’ve thought of doing a few things about my name just so that people would remember it, my mum is a shrewd Yorkshire woman, so I got 4 letters, no middle name. Mark. The other thing about this name is that it’s very easy to shout. Mark. It’s a lot like BARK. The result of this is that she perfected a way of saying it that could make me jump straight out of bed and into my clothes on a school morning. MARK!

I’ve also thought of writing my name on my T-shirt (then there would be another thing that I had to remember - to take off my clothes under the t-shirt).

January 2nd 2019

Not a Good Start

So I printed out a routine that I did before Christmas. None of it looks funny. I’ve added a joke about the elephant in the room. That doesn’t look funny either.

I have a gig booked for tonight “The Heavenly Comedy” at the Princess Victoria in Shepherds Bush. I didn’t sleep very well and me being awake woke up my wife up, and she had to get up early, when we both finally did wake up we had an argument. So new year is of to a roaring start!

I’d really rather I didn’t do this gig tonight, but I’ve arranged a bringer (if I have a bringer I get a whole 10 minutes) and I don’t want to let the organiser, NJambi McGrath down.

Bringer